Not sure about the rest of your comment. I didn’t say girls should be treated differently. This is about how boys are treated. Why is it embarrassing to be hurt? And I didn’t say the boy should have been benched, just that he could have been given the option to leave the game instead of being made to feel he had to soldier on.

I think people would be upset if a coach treated a girl any differently.

Players on the field are players, not boys, or girls.

Getting hurt is embarrasing, getting singled out and sat on the bench, even more so.

The deep emotional ramifications of being called “Tough” when you get hurt? Please.

Your experience is interesting. I wonder what caused the change in the boys? Too bad that the parents of boys refused to play against girls. That is a bit ridiculous.

I do tend to over think things but my viewpoint is coloured by the number of times I’ve seen young boys shamed by parents and caregivers over a few tears. It breaks my heart to see a little boy, especially in this age range, told to toughen up when he just needs a little understanding and patience. As a commenter named Jayne on Facebook noted, “We all want our kids to learn resilience, we just have to make sure we don’t invalidate their feelings in the process.” I think invalidation happens a lot with boys and I guess the real point of the post was to get parents and caregivers thinking about how they talk to boys.

Thanks so much for commenting. Hearing other people’s experiences definitely gives me lots to think about.

I do not think boys and girls are the same. We are different by nature, but boys and girls are more similar than we give them credit! Both like a chance to be outgoing, aggressive and tough. And both like a chance to nurture, to decorate and to be cuddled. I’m guessing their is some level of homophobia here. I think some parents are afraid their boys will be “sissies” if they comfort them instead of pushing them forward or that they will be gay if they let their sons play with their older sisters ballet shoes!

You make a good point about everyone needing strength to get through life. The word “tough” itself, as you say, is not inherently bad but I find that it has larger connotations when used with boys, especially those expressing emotions like fear or sadness. I also think it is overused in reference to boys. The word brings a lot of baggage because it is often emphasized for boys far more than the other attributes you mention (kindness, gentleness). I agree that children have to be taught to pick themselves up and dust themselves off when faced with a challenge, but for boys the “tough it out” sentiment leaves no room for dealing with the emotions that they might be feeling–they’re just told to move on without getting too upset about whatever has happened.

In the context of this incident, the coach did indeed speak in a kind voice, but it seems the default reaction for many adults when a boy is upset is to call upon his “toughness.” I think a boy should be given the freedom to vent his emotions without feeling like he is the opposite of “tough” i.e. weak. I’ve seen so many incidents of adults telling their sons to “suck it up” or acting with disgust or embarrassment at their tears that I feel we need to consider how words like this can affect them.

Whew! That was a much longer answer than I had planned, but I hope I explained my thoughts a little better.

I really enjoy your blog. As a father of a two-and-half-year-old girl and a baby boy due in a couple of months I think about gender rolls and how I might inadvertently shape them for my kids. We try to treat our daughter as a person rather than a girl, if that makes sense, and aim to do the same for our son.

I agree with you that the over-emphasis on toughness and unruliness for boys as desirable attributes is damaging, but I wonder what you would think had this situation involved a five-year-old girl? Some measure of toughness is desirable attribute in any person, surely? You say the coach was kind to the boy whilst encouraging him to be tough – basically get on with it if you’re a little bit hurt or scared – and I would encourage my son to to do the same, just as I would encourage my daughter. I emphasise the ‘little bit’ here – if a child is more than a little bit scared or hurt then looking after them is the priority, and that’s a judgement call for the responsible adult. Every person, man or woman, adult or child, needs a bit of toughness to get by in the world.

I guess what I’m saying is, boys and girls should be encouraged to be tough, as well as with gentle and kind and all the other qualities that help make a rounded human being. It’s not inherently bad.

Nick